Moods – 7-9-20

So much to celebrate in my life, and I primarily feel disappointment…in myself. But why? My emotions are completely disconnected from logic.

I’m middle aged and whipping myself into pretty good physical shape. Lost 60 lbs this year and down to 173 lbs, which is within my healthy weight range. I’m running three miles (5k) per day, and able to do so with relative ease. I can even see the faint outline of six-pack abs and no longer ashamed to be seen shirtless. All this represents a personal goal achieved; to obtain a respectable level of physical health. Especially after a lifetime of alcohol abuse, smoking, and a gluttonous diet.

So why am I not elated or proud? Why does the little deceiver in my head relentlessly whisper in my ear that I remain physically unappealing, that I will gain everything back, and that many, many life achievements yet remain unfulfilled? A small, continuous voice pressuring me to yield to negative self-images.

Luckily, CBT has taught me to recognize that I am experiencing depression and need to twist these thoughts into positives. These are nuisance feelings; not nearly as dangerous as my pre-treatment convictions of worthlessness and unfitness for life itself. Meds and therapy don’t exactly make me carefree and happy, but I will persevere nevertheless. Well, guess that’s enough. Have a blessed day!