Month: October 2019

Gloomy

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Today, I feel gloomy, just like the weather. Cold, windy and overcast. No particular reason I can identify but definitely depressed. My mind has been racing with feelings of self-disappointment all day. Jumping from one subject to another: my health, my undone to-do list, my lack of productivity this weekend, my work backlog, and other miscellaneous thoughts popping into my head at random. Feels like a continuing daydream. I wish I had a friend I could call for support.

To attempt to counter these thoughts, I guess I should ponder what has been accomplished. Laundry done, ironed, and put away. Grocery shopping almost completed. Files transferred from my old computer to my new one, which was very frustrating. My old laptop turns itself off every two minutes. I’m reasonably confident the cooling fan has failed, causing over-temp auto shutoffs. I could have fixed it, but it gave me an excuse to buy a new and smaller (11 inch) laptop. I also got in a three mile run on Friday and a five mile slow run today. So, maybe not so bad.

My therapist taught me how to recognize negative thoughts, confront them, and find some positive thoughts instead. So, with this entry, maybe that is what I accomplished. Well, enough for today. Have a blessed day!

Give Thanks, Instead

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Emotionally a mixed day today. I found work to be very frustrating. Later, I reminded myself that my job requires no physical labor, I got to work from home, and was able to do my laundry on company time. Boo-hoo to me. I need to throw out the self-pity and instead give thanks for the job I have. Especially because most of my frustration is self-inflicted. Not accomplishing what I want, tasks taking too long, being interrupted, boss throwing unanticipated work my way, etc. I have high expectations of myself and often get worked up unnecessarily.

On the other hand, I enjoyed my run today. This is my main hobby during the warmer months. My goal is to run three miles/day, five days/week. But the real reason I think running is so important to me is to keep up the daily routine. I just don’t feel right if I don’t get my run in. Autistic trait? I don’t know. Any way, 3.1 miles today, 10:38 splits, 50 degrees. Not very fast, but not bad for someone pushing 50, 30 pounds overweight, with a painful knee injury. I even got my daily prayer in during the run, which, admittedly, I have not been very diligent about recently. Well, enough for today. Have a blessed day!

Introduction

/ michaelmcday / Leave a comment

Hi, this is my new journal. The goal is to put my thoughts, actions, and emotions on “paper” to increase the quality of life for myself and my children via reflection and clarity of thought.

A quick review of me: I am christian, male, middle aged, divorced, earn steady income, on the autistic spectrum, with depression and anxiety as co-existing disorders. Also, my past includes a long struggle with addiction and loneliness. I am a caregiver to an adult daughter on the spectrum, have another adult step-daughter who is living on her own, and live with a very needy rat terrier. I am a condo owner and live debt-free, except for my mortgage. Lastly, I don’t really have any close friends or companions, which is something my therapist is trying to help me change. Enough for today. Have a blessed day!